I’ve been sitting on this specific anecdote for awhile because I didn’t really have the right words for it and also as much as I feel like this guy behaved like a compete tool I didn’t want him to be easily identified as I am not at a completely tar-and-feather level of feminism. yet.
Ok so, backstory: I was at a Social event this summer, laying down some eye-flirt-ground-work with this old acquaintance all night (look at how vague I can be!) We wind up hanging out and walking around together and he’s got this kind of adorable farm boy swagger and there’s hand holding and it’s cute even though I am reasonably taller than him. Eventually it’s getting cold and he’s like “Do you want to hang out in my truck for a bit?” and I’m like “Sure, I’m only down to makeout though. Just f.y.i.” (because I’m 16 like that! Which is completely FINE. I know what I’m comfortable with as far as handsome near-strangers go.) …(And also NOT that I even needed to explain that to him because no guy should ever deduce that he’s entitled to anything. EVER. Not when you are 16 and not when you are nearing 30. That’s the first thing we need to let our sons understand: Never.Assume.Consent. Never.) like, ever.
So we’re in this truck making out and it’s fun for a second until he takes it too far. So I remind him what I’m comfortable with. And then he takes it too far again and so I’m like “Really?! That’s not happening.”
“You’re a tease, huh?”
…..A What now??? Yeah dude, when I directly told you what to expect I was totally teeeeasing. I thought it would be cute. Sassy. A turn on. Because that’s what I’m here for right? I owe you this. God damn. There are just so many things wrong with everything that just happened. Starting with the fact that I can’t go back in time and pretend you aren’t a total douchewad and just keep making out with you. I needed this makeout it was important for me to get my groove back quickly and efficiently and now that’s all wrecked!
Ok. Alright. Let’s take this moment of complete redneck stupidity and use it as an opportunity for education because it’s too ridiculous for me to even be upset about (I mean in the moment I WAS angry. I think it went along the lines of: “A tease?! Fuck yourself! *door slam* *Bre out*)
What I pieced together later to the best of my ability is that my thoroughly misinformed friend believed at least one or maybe many of the following things:
A)Because I flirted with him we were going to have sex
B) Because I was drunk we were going to have sex
C) Because I was wearing a crop top we were going to have sex
D) Because I got into the back of a truck with him we were going to have sex
Wrong .nope. You lose. This is what happens when you let your son’s high school level hockey team provide him with all of his sex education! You have a responsibility as a parent to teach your sons how to behave acceptably because we shouldn’t have to teach our daughters how to protect themselves.(Not everyone is as yell-y and strong in their sense of self as I am now. Nor have I always been. Think about teenage girls. All they want is for the first guy that likes them to keep on liking them. Isn’t that a scary reality, kind of?) parents tend to think that their sons could never behave in such a way as I’ve just described but parents aren’t the ones in the backseat of the truck with their sons when this shit is going down. No,that would be me. And other girls like me. Who have been treated in ways they never should have been due to somebody’s negligence along the way. Worse even, people think there is nothing wrong with his kind of behavior and perpetuate the commonly told ridiculousness that guys are sex-driven and can’t be held responsible for what they’ll try or how they’ll act. In that situation it puts the responsibility back on the girl to “not lead him on.” or to “Not get herself in that kind of situation” Which is full blown horse shit- And really, Go ahead and slut shame away! People love doing it because everyone wants to throw the responsibility at someone else. But I can honesty tell you that me having shared this is not and should not be considered embarrassing to ME. It should be thoroughly humiliating for the man involved because once you are an adult this kind of behavior is nobody’s responsibility but yours. And this behavior was rape-y. I don’t even care. I’ll say it. Because this shit needs to not happen anymore.
Boys,(and Men!) can I tell you what constitutes consensual sexual activity? Because it’s super complicated so pay attention:
“Is this OK?” Or maybe “Can we do this?”
Followed by: “Yes.”
Not “umm”,”maybe” or “I guess”
And if you aren’t comfortable having that conversation then you aren’t ready to be sleeping with anyone, honestly. Sex is a huge responsibility. Recognize, bitches.
The other thing is even after a clear and affirmative “yes” has been given, girls have the right to change our mind at any time. Isn’t it crazy how we’re human and we get to decide what we want to do with our own bodies and stuff??
Other things that DO NOT constitute consent or are *cringe* “asking for it” include:
Wearing skimpy clothes
Making bedroom eyes
Behaving in promiscuous ways
Getting into a bed with you
Getting naked in front of you
Rounding any other bases with you
Someone saying “no” 18 times and then finally saying “yes”
That they’ve already had consensual sex with you previously
That they are your girlfriend
Saying yes because she is drunk (And If you’re like “how do I know if she’s only saying yes because she’s drunk or if she really wants to???” Then you shouldn’t be doing it! Like,legally you shouldn’t)
Really It just kills me because sometimes I feel like society has come so far and then I get transported back to 1901 and it’s jarring and it’s annoying and it’s really a buzzkill. Just behave better. I should be able to wear my cute damn dress and get through a zesty make out session in the back of a Durango(or whatever) without ever having to rant about it. I feel like that is one of my base level rights as the citizen of a free country. But I mean, I’m kinda happy I did get to rant about it. Because obviously I’m me and your bad behavior today= my anecdotal genius tomorrow. Always.
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